Let It Rain
by Lizzie9
Summary: She wished that, even if it was over, he would breathe for her one last time. Post Desire oneshot. MerDer.


**Title: **

**Authors: Sara And Lizzie**

**Rating: T for language, mild sex**

**Disclaimer: It would be nice to own grey's anatomy, sadly all we own are a lot of high priced shoes and handbags, and both seasons on dvd.**

**Summary: Just a oneshot to ease our own minds after Desire. MerDer centric. **

**Author's Note: Yea, everyone is doing it, and we don't think they'll break up, but we had to do something. **

**REVIEW.**

_The weight of water,  
The way you told me  
To look past everything  
I had ever learned._

She rounded the corner to see Derek and Richard coming. They were looking at each other tensely, and didn't see her. So she hid. For all her attempts at communicating and being the girlfriend, this is how it culminated. Hiding behind a wall, eavesdropping on conversations. He didn't want to breathe for her. They stopped walking, just close enough for her to hear them.

"I don't know what to do, Richard." She heard Derek say. She pictured him, a brooding look on his face, running his hands through his hair. "I said things to her, and I don't know if I can take them back now. I meant them, but not in the way they…" he trailed off. Meredith wished he was breathing for her now, one last time, because she couldn't seem to suck oxygen into her lungs too well.

"Derek, I hope this wasn't about what I said to you." Webber told him. Derek looked up at him in anger, an anger he hadn't expected to feel. Meredith heard it in his voice.

"Of course it was. You practically gave me an ultimatum, Richard. It made me think about things. Big things that I pushed away. She seems fine now, but…" he trailed off again. Meredith dug her nails into her palms, creating half moons where they touched hard against her skin. She was holding her breath now, but she didn't even realize it.

"Derek, you need to trust me. Being chief would be wonderful. An honor, and yes you would be good at it. But if it destroyed you and Meredith, it would never be worth it. And you would look back and regret it."

"So that's it?" Derek questioned. "That's the bottom line? Meredith or Chief?"

"Derek, I'm not going to say that's the bottom line…" Richard said, hesitating.

"And if I give her up? Break it off? Accept that I just can't save her from herself? Is that what it would take to get the support you brought me out here to give to me?"

The Chief took a step closer to him, his eyes flashing, letting Derek know he had crossed a line. "And would you give up everything you've built with her? For a job that's never going to love you back?" Derek hesitated. Meredith couldn't wait around to here his answer. Stumbling a little, she ran from the wall, for the nearest stairwell. She was in his line of vision, but she doubted he was even looking.

But Derek and Richard were both looking. Derek turned back to his mentor, and his eyes hit the ground. "Derek, if you're willing to give her up for it, you're not the man I thought you were. Chief is yours if you want it."

* * *

She sat on a bench outside the hospital; hoping clouds would cover the sun. Tears hadn't come, but she knew that they would sooner or later. He was faced with another choice; her or something else, and again, he would choose something else. It left Meredith cold; shivering despite the warmth of spring in the air.

She stared in front of her, at the crushing reality that she just want good enough. He was always going to choose something else, just like her parents, just like everyone. She was unlovable, she wasn't enough. She was ordinary.

It was almost dark by the time he had the courage to face her. He had been standing on the bridge watching her for almost an hour, knowing that he had let her down. She was sitting on that bench with her knees tucked to her chest when he mustered up the strength to walk outside. He put his hands in the pocket of his lab coat and sat down next to her. She continued to stare straight ahead.

"Congratulations." She said evenly, willing herself not to cry.

"Congratulations on what?" he asked lightly.

"Chief." She said, biting her lip.

"No congratulations are in order." He said solemnly. She turned the slightest bit, shifting her body an almost unnoticeable amount, but he was watching her close enough to notice it.

"Dr. Webber offered you chief. It's why you came here, Derek. It's what you've always been working for." She said flatly. Even though she wasn't looking at him, he shook his head, and his face took on something like 'their' look.

"I turned it down." He whispered. It sat there between them, filling up the space between their bodies. She thought she could feel the intensity coming from him, but she tried to ignore it all the same. In a fluid motion, she reached over, took him by the wrist and placed his hand over her heart.

"I don't need you to breathe for me." She whispered. "I can breathe all by myself Derek. I can…" she stopped as her voice broke. "I can do this. I swam, and I fought, and then I stopped. And I was dead. And I think…" She stopped again. "I don't know what I think." She said, afraid to go any further.

"Yes you do." He urged her, pressing his hand to her chest. He could feel her heartbeat increase with nerves, with the fear of losing him.

"I don't know what happened to me, Derek. Those hours that I was dead, I can only fill in a few of the blanks, but I do know that what brought me back was you. I'm not asking you to breathe for me. I'm just, I just…" She bit her lip so hard it drew blood. She focused every cell in her body on trying not to cry.

"Meredith." He said his tone coaxing. She shook her head, knowing what he wanted. She couldn't look at him. If she did, she would fall apart, and he would put her back together, and she none of this would mean anything.

"You chose Addison. And I hung onto you. And you, you stood up and said you loved me, and you _fought_ for me Derek. And I need you now, and I just spent the scariest moments of my life against a hospital wall, convinced that you weren't going to choose me again. I need you but I don't need you to breathe for me, I just…" she broke off as a tear slid down her face.

"Everything I have known has been pulled out from under me, except, somehow, for you. So you're either going to be the exception to the rule, or you're going to be the confirmation of the rule. It's up to you, but I need to know now. You've broken me down, Derek. I can't do this without you, so if I have to learn how, tell me now."

He didn't hesitate this time, or bother with niceties; he gathered her in his arms and turned her as he pulled her close to him. She was shivering, and the warmth that surrounded her when he enveloped her in his embrace was enough to break the dam. Tears turned into sobs that wracked her body against his. His arms got tighter around her with the intensity of her cries.

It could have been minutes or hours until they subsided. It was dark now, and neither of them knew or cared how long they had been sitting there. She was collapsed against him, exhausted, but his grip hadn't loosened around her. Her eyelids started to get heavy, and they dropped down, her lashes still damp with tears.

"I chose you." He whispered, stopping her from falling into sleep against him. She sat up a little, and shifted her head to look at him.

"I know." She said. He shook his head, and tilted it downwards so he could look into her eyes.

"No, even back then. With Addison. I chose you, Meredith. I loved you, and, as hard as I tired, as much as thought I had to, I never stopped. You terrify me because I love you so much."

She moved her hand and laced her fingers through his as a few, lazy raindrops started to fall from the inky black sky. "I'm out of excuses to be scared of you." She whispered. Neither of them moved as the sky opened and it started to pour. The rain felt clarifying, like it was washing away all of their past sins and leaving them with a new beginning.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said. She felt a different kind of tear slide down her face as she opened her mouth to say the words she didn't say often, because every time she said them, she meant them, and the person she said them to usually just walked away.

"I love you." He was silent for a long time.

"I love you." He said. It was more of a statement of it's own than a response to what she said, and somehow, it felt better to her that way. Somehow, in that moment, Derek's arms around her, and her fingers wound through his, everything felt a little better.


End file.
